John Travolta Vs Tom Cruise: Gay Off

Tom Cruise and John Travolta have a lot in common. Both are A-list stars, both have careers that have spanned decades, both are Scientologists, both are married to beautiful actresses and both have been dogged by gay rumours for years. I, personally, love a lot of their films and do not care for their private lives. So in order to quell the rumours I have devised an Alfred Kinsey-esque scale that will once and for all decide who is (hypothetically. I don’t want to go to jail) the gayest. The questions are awarded points as follows: +5 = Carson Kressley, 0 = neutral, and -5= John Wayne.

Team Straight

Team Gay














Contestant Number 1: Tom Cruise












  • Abusive Childhood: 0 points
  • Bullied at school: +3 points
  • Acted in plays at school: +5 points
  • Wanted to become a priest: +5 points
  • Got fired from the high school football team for drinking beer: -5
  • Is a vegetarian and doesn’t drink: +5 points
  • The volleyball scene in Top Gun: +5
  • Drives race cars: -5 points
  • Married Mimi Rogers: +5 points 
  • Voted sexiest man alive: +5 and -5
  • Married Nicole Kidman: -5 points
  • Wore adult braces: +3 points
  • Has adopted children: +4 points
  • Has biological daughter: -5 points
  • T.J. Mackey in Magnolia: -10 points!
  • Collateral: -5 points
  • Blackmailed by gay pornstar Chad Slater: +5 points
  • Married Katie Holmes: -5 points
  • Sued Bold Magazine for claiming they had gay pornography of him: +5 points
  • Sat on top of the world’s tallest building: -5
Total Gay Score: 8

Contestant number 2: John Travolta













  • Did musical theatre as a child: +5 points
  • Favourite film is Yankee Doodle Dandy: +5 points
  • Cleft chin: 0 points
  • Nailed the actress playing his mother in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble: -5 points
  • Saturday Night Fever: -5 points
  • Grease: +5 points
  • This scene in aerobics movie Perfect: +5 points
  • Staying Alive: +5 points
  • Married Kelly Preston: -5 points
  • Has biological children (one is disabled): -3 points
  • Pulp Fiction: -5 points
  • Broken Arrow: -5 points
  • Caught kissing the nanny (who is a man): +10 points!
  • Face Off : -5 points
  • Accused of frequenting gay bath houses: +5 points
  • Sang Grease songs with Hugh Jackman on Rove Live: +3 points
  • Carrie Fisher has publicly outed him: +5 points
  • Hairspray: +5 points
  • Accused of paying masseurs for oral sex: +5 points
  • Flies planes: -5 points
Total Gay Score: 20

The winner (and hypothetical homosexual): John Travolta!

*It must be noted that John is married with children and could, possibly, be straight. I am just impartially presenting the evidence of my scientific study.