Adam drives a stake through The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

I’m just going to come out and say it, I think Twilight is the worst thing to happen to literature, film and feminism for decades. This brainless, chaste, drivel is responsible for a sharp decline in the emotional intellect of women around the world. These films are flat out horrible, lifeless, bloodless, uninspired and most importantly devoid of romance.

'Tell me where you put the fake tan!?'

In a nutshell, these films follow Bella, a human character who is torn between the affections of a cute vampire called Edward (Robert Pattinson) and a muscular werewolf called Jacob (Taylor Lautner).  The main problem is that the character of Bella Swan (Kirsten Stewart) is possibly the worst protagonist ever committed to film, she has no discernable personality: Bella has no hobbies, plans for the future or a sense of humour, she is openly manipulative and sulky. Ultimately she is only defined by who she wants to sleep with. To me this is a dangerous and ugly message to send to young girls (this film’s target audience). One scene in this film consists of Bella and Edward discussing their impending marriage, while this is happening they are interrupted by Jacob, who sees this exchange and runs off, Bella chases after him and kisses him as she is terrified of losing his affections, all of this happens while Edward is within earshot! My jaw dropped, I couldn’t believe anyone  could identify with such a manipulative bitch.

No brain = no helmet.

It’s not just the female characters that are awful in this; the males don’t fare much better. Edward is cold and controlling: the archetype of an abusive partner and Jacob just acts like a rapist in training, he keeps trying to kiss Bella against her will, telling her that he knows what she wants. Possibly the most annoying thing about these lacklustre films is that fans of the novels (despite being disappointed themselves) defend them, they don’t seem to care about the quality of these films, they are just happy they exist. Excuse me but what the fuck? If I am invested in a novel and I see a cynical, half-arsed adaptation of the material, I am furious. I don’t gather up my friends and try to send it to the top of the box office. The audience I saw this film with (mainly teenage girls) laughed the whole way through the film, not at jokes mind you, but at the droll exposition, the pouty posturing and the weak acting, yet all gathered in the foyer afterwards proclaimed that they loved it. Mark my words, in ten years this franchise will be an absolute joke, and people will bold-face-lie and say that they never got sucked into it, I don’t need hindsight: I already know these films fucking suck.

One Star