Adam gets run over by Fast and Furious

Do you like fast cars, hot women and international drug cartels? If the answer is yes, I suggest you buy tickets to the Formula One, because Justin Lin’s Fast and Furious is a flaming heap of cinematic shit. The tagline for this film is ‘New Model, Original Parts’. It should be ‘Are you dumb enough to pay for the same film twice?’

The cast from the original The Fast and the Furious all reprise their roles. I imagine out of sheer desperation.  Vin Diesel’s career is so far down the shitter that he has to creep back into franchises that he shunned in the past. He thought he was too good for sequels to The Fast and the Furious and xXx and now he is popping back up, not in the third but fourth entry in this franchise.  Fail. (Fortunately for Diesel (and unfortunately for me), this team made a fifth Fast film to the sound of $626 million. The mind boggles).

Diesel struggled to explain existentialism to Walker.

The script for this film is so poor that I assumed a monkey had written it, but no, I looked it up and screenwriter Chris Morgan looks like a real person. This film has no joy in it; it is just a monotonous slog of CGI cars and macho posturing. The acting in this film is more wooden than Pinocchio’s dick: Paul Walker is so bad in this film I actually though he may be retarded and I’d never noticed before. Vin doesn’t fare much better, he barks out all of his lines as if he is in need of a lozenge and constantly squints like he has a digestion problem. Based on this film I would suggest that he retire from acting and start manufacturing his own brand of protein shakes. Avoid.

Two Stars